A Most Complex Plot
by LJemima
Summary: Minerva Paradizo was planning what could possibly be the most difficult and complex heist ever attempted. She was going to steal Artemis Fowl's heart. This couldn't possibly go wrong. Set in between The Time Paradox and the Atlantis Complex. Spoilers!


Minerva Paradizo was planning what could possibly be the most difficult and complex heist ever attempted.

She was going to steal Artemis Fowl's heart.

Step one: She would defeat him at what he was best at; chess. This would leave him in awe of her intelligence and make him want to play again, which involved her spending far more time with him.

Step two: She would cause an argument between Artemis and Holly that would never be forgiven. That would be the easiest, those two would argue over anything.

Step three: She would politely step out during the argument, and step back in afterwards, when Artemis was crushed. She would comfort him, and show him that she would never upset him.

Step four: She would bribe and confuse the twins, so they would push Artemis into her at just the right moment, and they would share a special, romance beginning kiss.

Minerva grinned. Foolproof.

Step one was currently in progress. Minerva was quickly realizing that defeating Artemis Fowl at chess, just once, was a far more difficult task than she had thought.

Already she had lost her queen, and her pieces equaled less than half of Artemis'.

Suddenly, Minerva had an idea. It was perfect.

She smiled innocently at Artemis.

He paused, his hand hovering above his knight. "What?" he inquired.

"Oh," she replied coyly. "Nothing."

Artemis' smirked back, moving his hand to his close bishop. He looked back up at Minerva closely watching her reaction.

Minerva let her eye twitch, ever so slightly so that Artemis would think it was a slip-up.

Artemis' bishop thumped into it's spot, casually knocking Minerva's castle to the side.

Minerva grinned, it was all she could do not to laugh aloud.

That, she said to herself, was brilliant. Distraction, that was how you beat Artemis Fowl. Must be her dazzling smile.

She moved her bishop a mere four spaces. "Checkmate." She smirked back.

Artemis' smile was wiped from his face in mere milliseconds.

"No, impossible!" He gasped.

He scanned the board frantically, searching for any possible moves. He found none.

He turned around in his chair, muttering angrily to himself.

Minerva's smile also faded.

Great, she was wrong.

Artemis didn't respect her any more than he had before, all he cared about was his intelligence being bested.

Time for step two, she whispered to herself. She pressed the send button on the small fairy communicator under the table.

Artemis felt his ring buzzing on his finger. He definitely had to answer that. Holly didn't call to discuss just anything. This had to be important.

"Would you excuse me for a moment?" he asked politely.

Minerva smiled graciously. "Well of course," she replied.

Artemis' strode briskly around the corner and down the hallway. It was probably best Minerva didn't hear this.

"Hello, Holly." He answered, holding the ring to his ear. "What's the problem?"

"Artemis!" Holly shouted in his ear.

Artemis jumped. Thank goodness this wasn't a video link.

"Would you care to explain what I've done know?" He demanded. "Let me guess, I've killed off another endangered species, kidnapped another fairy, smuggled illegal human batteries into haven?"

Holly huffed on the other side of the line. "No. You know exactly what you've done."

"Great! Well then I suppose I've already forgiven myself, since I have no problems with any recent projects of mine."

"Project! That's what you call this! This... This is just... Disgusting! I didn't even think you were capable of this!"

"Holly," he stated calmly. "Care to enlighten me?"

Holly was seething. This could quite likely ruin her career. At the very least Foaly would have a good laugh at her.

She took a deep, shaky breath. "Do you happen to read the National Expirer?"

Artemis rolled his eyes. "That load of... To put it lightly... D'Arvit, is far below my intellectual level. Eons below."

"Artemis! I don't care if it's 'Below your intellectual level'" she mocked. "All I care is that you sent in that d'Avitting picture on the cover!"

Now Artemis was concerned. The National Expirer didn't accept just any old family photo. Did Holly think he had exposed the fairies?

He ran to his computer, ignoring Holly's voice still swearing in his ear. To put it lightly, Artemis learned a few new swear words in Gnommish.

"Oh..." Artemis gasped into the communicator.

"Artemis Fowl, your acting skills are overwhelming." Holly muttered.

"Holly? You actually think I would send this in? How bad do you think this is for me, the already infamous reclusive 16 year old billionaire, with the INTERPOL file that's already over 5 gigabytes!"

"Wait just a minute!" Holly yelled back. "Bad for you! This could potentially expose the entire fairy species, not to mention end my career, and completely alienate me from the entire fairy population!"

Artemis calmed himself for a moment. "Holly, a few months ago, I lied to you about something. Something huge. Now I am about to tell you the hardest thing I will probably ever say in my life."

Artemis took a deep breath. One, two, three, four, five. There, nice round number, five. He couldn't believe he was going to say this.

"Holly, I was... I shouldn't have lied to you, about my mother. I was... Wrong."

Holly laughed on the other side of the communicator. "You have no idea how long I've been waiting to hear those words. Priceless!" Her voice became a little dangerous, "Now go on."

"Holly, I promise that I did not send that picture to the National Expirer." Artemis stated calmly and convincingly.

Holly made a face, though Artemis couldn't see it. Funny how she believed him. "Alright, Artemis. But if you are lying to me, you may just later find that you have a burning neutrino burn, somewhere that is not at all comfortable."

Artemis grinned. "Well then, thank goodness I am telling the truth!"

Holly had already terminated the link.

Artemis turned, staring at the image on the screen. It was a slightly blurry, but perfectly timed shot of Artemis and Holly kissing in the gorilla cage. Only their heads were visible, and the only thing that gave Holly her fairy appearance was her ears. Easily forged. This was not an issue. He was hardly recognizable, and Holly was still wearing that horrible silver wig.

No one really believed what they read in the National Expirer anyways.

Artemis stared again at the image.

You elf kissing days are over.

Artemis smirked, perhaps.

Artemis returned to Minerva with a slightly far off look in his eyes.

He wasn't upset, it was like he was daydreaming! Minerva seethed. This plan was not going well at all.

"Artemis," she piped up. "I really need to speak with you. It's very important."

She sat down on the sofa perched off to the side of the room, gesturing for him to join her.

Her sat down slowly, not looking at her face. Then he finally perked up, realizing he had been daydreaming.

"Minerva, what is it?" He asked impatiently turning to her.

Minerva was smug. This part of the plan couldn't possibly go wrong.

* * *

She remembered her earlier conversation with Myles.

"Beckett, Myles! What are you playing?" She had said brightly.

"Jenga" Myles had said. "But Beckett doesn't really understand the game. He is hardly an entertaining adversary." He finally looked up. "Would you play with me?"

"Sure, you know Beckett, you should play some games with your older brother. He would be good competition."

"Artemis? Yes, but he is always so busy. He's either away or locked in his room, working on some project."

"You know Myles. I think Artemis is just shy. He needs to get used to talking with people instead of just his computers."

"Uh huh," Myles had replied. "Then he would play more with me."

"That's right, Myles. You know what. I am playing chess with Artemis, maybe I could talk to him about it."

"Artemis won't listen to talk. We need a real plan."

"You're absolutely right, Myles." Minerva grinned. "We need a real plan." She had pretended to think about it for a moment.

"You know Myles, Artemis and I know each other pretty well. But if we got to know exothermic really well, I think he would be able to talk to people much easier."

"You're right!" Myles exclaimed. "But how?"

"Myles," Minerva asked, "How do you think people get to know each other really well?"

"Hm... Playing?"

"I don't think so. I think people get to know each other really well, and talk to each other easily, by kissing." She whispered.

Myles was taken aback. "Eww... Kissing? Are you sure? Artemis has definitely never done that!"

"Yes Myles, I'm sure. So, are we going to do it? The plan?"

"Yes!" Myles had exclaimed. "He can kiss you!"  


* * *

  
"Artemis, you look like there's something on your mind." Minerva said, resting her hand on Artemis' shoulder comfortingly.

Artemis laughed. "Sure there is! I need to go beat you at chess in less than 5 moves!"

Minerva frowned. This was definitely not going well.

The twins caught her eye, peering from around the corner. She gave a slight nod.

At last, the moment she had been waiting for. She had made sure she was wearing cherry flavored lip gloss. Artemis was going to enjoy this. S

he puckered her lips, guiding Artemis' mouth to hers using the hand on his shoulder.

Perfect. The twins had pushed Artemis at just the right moment.

Too bad she had missed the drink in his hand.

Pomegranate juice came splaterring all over her expensive new white dress, just as their lips met.

Minerva jumped involuntarily as the juice soaked through her dress. She broke away from Artemis when their lips had hardly met.

Artemis stood up immediately apologizing and striding to the kitchen to get some paper towels.

On his way past he yelled at the twins. "I am so upset with you two! Minerva is a friend. Friends do not! Kiss!" He growled.

"And you've ruined her dress!" He added as he turned the corner.

The twins turned to Minerva.

"Gah!" She screamed quietly, stomping her feet on the dirty floor like a bratty child.

She slipped, landing in the spilt juice on her rear end.

* * *

A/N: I hope you had as much fun reading this as I did writing it! :D Please please review!


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